Demand and request
A big part of trauma-informed communication is understanding the power difference between a demand and a request.
A request is anything we would like others to say or do in support of our needs.
A demand on the contrary, refers to a directive or expectation placed on an individual that may feel forceful, rigid, or overwhelming, potentially triggering a stress response.
The reason why people make demands is because we grow up with a paradigm of:
- Mistrust – we do not trust that we matter
- Believing that other people will not want to care for our needs, so we try to “motivate” them to care for us with demand energy
- Believing that if we use demands, it increases the chance that people will do what we want them to do
When a person perceives a demand, one of two things happens:
- Submission – agreeing to a request without true willingness
- Agreeing out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation or desire for reward compromises the quality of connection and trust between people
- Rebellion – people tend to rebel after experiencing resentment and oppression from submitting and denying their own choice