Supporting recovery from childhood abuse.
NAPAC exists to support survivors of any type of abuse or neglect in childhood, be it sexual, physical, or emotional abuse.
Abuse can happen in any relationship where there is a power imbalance. Adults have power over children because they are bigger and stronger, but these power imbalances can also occur in a child’s relationship with his or her peers.
Some children may develop faster than others, creating a power imbalance due to physical size or cognitive ability. Other children may have power over a peer due to a wealthier family background relative to a peer from less affluent circumstances. Sometimes a smaller or younger child can dominate an older child.
NAPAC hears from people who have suffered abuse in many different contexts and types of relationship, including child-on-child abuse.
Although the long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse are often reported across the media, physical abuse, emotional abuse and neglect can also have a very longlasting impact.
At NAPAC we see all of this as part of the same problem of the abuse of power in relationships. And whilst not widely publicised, it is often the emotional impact of any type of abuse that has long-term consequences.
Emotional abuse in child-to-child relationships can include bullying, shaming, isolating, and excluding, to list just a few examples. But we do generally hear from more people suffering the consequences of sexual abuse than other types of abuse, irrespective of age or relationship to the perpetrator.
Sexual abuse is often inflicted by perpetrators who also use other forms of abusive cruelty, as described in the testimonies shared through the Everyone’s Invited movement. Often there is subsequent sharing of details of the abuse and ‘slut shaming’.
Most sexual violence is perpetrated by someone known to the victim, and that is no different when the perpetrator is a child. This often means the perpetrator is a sibling, but it could also mean a neighbour, cousin or a young person in a sports or youth group setting. We also hear of child-on-child abuse in schools, religious groups, gangs, and in youth justice correctional settings or local authority care.
From the point of view of the child, if it felt like abuse then it was abuse. This is not to say that everything that felt like abuse was done abusively or with malice, as children can have strong emotional reactions to well-meaning and appropriate boundary setting. The emotional impact is more important than the intent when the actions cause feelings of harm.
When abuse persists over time the child’s emotional and cognitive development may become impacted, but one isolated incident of sexual abuse can also have a serious and long-lasting impact. All abuse is serious, but it is always possible to work through to a resolution as an adult with the appropriate type and level of support.
At NAPAC we have heard from many people who suffered sexual abuse perpetrated by another child within the family. These survivors often tell us that they have only recently been able to talk about it and see with an adult perspective that it was wrong, although some did also disclose to a parent or carer at the time of the abuse.
Family dynamics can be very complicated in these circumstances and all too often we hear that the abused child was not taken seriously. This type of dismissive response can also happen when the disclosure comes years later in adulthood.
It seems that in many cases the responsible adult carers find it easier to minimise the seriousness of the problem. This can take the form of believing the abusing child’s denial or simply saying that nothing serious happened. The person who suffered abuse can feel revictimised by the disbelief, even if the denying response comes many years later in adulthood.
If the problem is not fully discussed in an open and honest way, then family gatherings can become difficult for the survivor and relationships can suffer. The person who experienced the abuse may feel pressured or required to pretend nothing happened or just to ‘get over it’ so that the family can present itself to others as being happy and well-functioning.
This leaves the survivor in a difficult position, with tough choices to make. Many people in this position try for years to have their family acknowledge what happened, but it is often impossible to change someone’s mind if they do not want to change.
In the end the best route to recovery may be by reducing contact or cutting ties with the dysfunctional family members who remain in denial. We believe that truthful and responsible participation in exploring family problems can enable resolution and healing.
We also see a similar pattern of response to disclosures of abuse in schools, where some senior managers may decide to move the victim to a new class, rather than attempt to alter the behaviour of a perpetrator. This response is also alarmingly prevalent in schools when cases of inappropriate sexual behaviour and sexual violence are disclosed, as evidenced by the testimonies shared through the Everyone’s Invited movement. However, this approach only validates the perpetrator, giving them more power, and encouraging more inappropriate behaviour by peers.
Survivors of child abuse often hope that one day the perpetrator will take responsibility and admit that they behaved badly, but we know this rarely happens. Even in the case of serious crimes such as sexual violence many survivors are denied or unable to obtain justice for a variety of complex reasons. A young child who has developed abusive behaviour is unlikely to fully understand that what they were doing was inappropriate, so finding resolution years later can be difficult.
The first step to finding the right support to achieve healing and recovery is by talking it all through with a trusted person. This can be a medical professional, social worker, therapist, or simply someone who is compassionate. The NAPAC support line is available for these conversations and our staff are fully trained to listen and suggest options.
Working through any type of trauma history is hard work. It can take a long time if the childhood circumstances were complicated, which they often are, and may challenge our self-image and beliefs. As adults we learn to be less vulnerable than we were as children, but we must acknowledge our past vulnerabilities to work through traumatic memories towards a resolution.
It is an unfortunate fact of life that children can be cruel. It is also true that we are social beings and children need to feel part of the group. If there is someone to listen and nurture a child who has suffered cruelty, the abuse may not leave a lasting impact, or the severity of the impact may be minimised, so really listening to children is important.
NAPAC is here to support all adults who have been affected by abuse in childhood, regardless of gender, race, religious beliefs, sexual orientation or age.
The Centre of Expertise on Child Sexual Abuse (CSA Centre) published a report on Sibling sexual abuse in January 20211 which is very helpful in describing how the problem can develop within families. They describe three broad categories of child-on-child sexual activity, suggesting that it is not always abusive. There can be innocent exploration such as ‘doctors and nurses’ play which they describe as within a normal range of behaviours.
Here are the three categories:
1. normative sexual interactions (exploration)
2. inappropriate or problematic sexual behaviour outside developmental norms
3. sexual abuse that causes sexual, physical, and emotional harm (possibly violent).
These categories suggest that there is a universally agreed idea of what is ‘normal’ which cannot really be consistent across all settings and cultures. The report is aimed at practitioners rather than survivors of non-recent sibling abuse or their parents. People who are struggling with long-term consequences in adulthood clearly did suffer harm at the time, and this report does not invalidate that feeling or experience.
The CSA Centre report also explains that the abusing child may have learned the behaviour from an abusive adult, either in person or from the internet. However well intentioned, this information does not really help the abused child to cope, at the time of the abuse or later in life.
When abuse is perpetrated by an adult with caring responsibilities for the child there is often betrayal trauma. Within families there may be an older sibling who was looked up to or who was given some minor caring responsibilities by the adult(s). If this more powerful sibling becomes abusive the added dimension of betrayal trauma may become part of the emotional impact at the time and over the longer term.
A difficult reality to face is that sexual violence is often used by powerful individuals as a terror tactic to maintain power and control over others. We see this in some adult relationships, most notably in cases of domestic abuse, but it can also happen amongst children who are caught up in gang violence and organised crime.
This includes the illegal drug distribution networks known as ‘county lines’, where organised criminals manipulate and coerce young people into transporting and selling illegal drugs from cities to smaller towns. Although this is a far cry from the family life that many of us are accustomed to, we should be aware of the grave dangers faced by some young people.
Recently there have been reports indicating that underage girls are sexually exploited within these gangs and ‘passed around’ to be sexually violated by other younger gang members as a ‘reward’ for good sales performances. The hierarchy of criminal organisations, influence of older gang members and connection to illegal drugs can make it very hard for a young person to talk about what has happened to them, especially when they have been isolated from adults and other young people. This may be even more difficult if the young people themselves have committed a crime as part of this exploitation. It is challenging but important to grasp the ‘both/and’ principle – children can be both offenders and victims in this context.
In general, women and girls suffer more instances of sexual abuse than men and boys. But girls can be perpetrators too, just as boys can be victimised. Assumptions about who is a perpetrator and who is abused can minimise the complexities of the situation, downplaying the harm caused by the abuse and obscuring what really happened.
It is important to know that however others treat us does not change our gender identify or sexuality but can make it harder to feel comfortable with ourselves and others, especially before having access to support for the abusive behaviour we have encountered.
We should not make assumptions based on gender, and looking at what happened in the context of power dynamics can help us see things as they really are and as they were in childhood. Talking with someone empathetic, be that a help or support line operator or trusted friend, can help make sense of why some things have affected us so deeply, and aid us in our recovery.
I really need help, as I was raped as a child. I still have nightmares. Some days I feel I just can’t do it any more, but I have a nine year old son and I have to remain strong for him. I would just like some help please, as this is my last hope.
Physical abuse involves contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, pain, injury, or other physical suffering or harm such as:
Sexual abuse happens when a child is involved in any sexual activity (contact or non-contact) such as:
All abuse is wrong. No child should ever be abused. Child abuse is never the child’s fault. You are not alone.
Emotional or psychological abuse happens when children are subjected to psychologically harmful behaviours which cause a child to lose confidence and their sense of self-worth. It is associated with situations of power imbalance. Narcissistic parents may be more interested in their own needs than in the child’s needs. Emotional or psychological abuse may include:
Neglect happens when the responsible adult fails (beyond constraints imposed by poverty) to adequately provide for the needs of a child. There are four main areas of neglect; physical, emotional, educational and medical, including:
Organised abuse is defined as a range of circumstances in which multiple children are subject to sexual abuse by multiple perpetrators, often over a long period of time. Organised abuse often includes child sexual exploitation where a child is offered gifts or money. Organised abuse may include situations where:
Organised abuse can involve particularly violent, humiliating and degrading sexual assaults.
Ritual abuse may be used by groups to frighten children into silence and co-operation. The perpetrators may subscribe to a belief system which, for them, justifies the abuse of children. Children may be intimidated or coerced into abusing other children or made to witness abuse.
Abuse is primarily carried out behind closed doors and perpetuated using fear, silence, isolation, embarrassment, shame and guilt.
People who are abused will often not speak about it for many years. It’s probably the biggest crime we have in this country but it’s also the most secretive. It’s a massive problem.
The types of abuse described here happen to countless children on a daily basis within the UK and given that most of those children survive into adulthood… a question that frequently arises is:
‘Why isn’t there enough support for abuse survivors?’
The abuse of power by adults to hurt children in any way is disempowering for the child.
NAPAC exists to support survivors in taking that power back
In order to justify their choices, abusers come up with all sorts of nonsense. For example:
‘They need to hear negative things to toughen them up’
‘They need to learn to defend themselves’
‘In other countries girls are married at 13 and have babies’
‘They deserved it, without proper discipline children get out of control’
‘I’m expressing love’
‘I am preparing them for sexual relationships when they are older’
This is all nonsense
Ultimately we need to get to grips with society’s failings to really understand where abuse comes from – it is a massive problem. Abuse is always a choice.
Abusers always make a choice when it comes to abusing children
The myth is often peddled by abusers who want their victims to remain silent. Survivors often end up worrying that they are destined to hurt children because of what happened to them. This is enough to stop many from seeking the support they need and deserve.
Abusers use this myth as an excuse when they get caught, hoping they will be let off the hook if they disclose that they were traumatised in childhood.
We know that as survivors we sometimes have a tendency to want to save the world from abusers by making as much noise as possible. There’s certainly a lot we can all do to help prevent abuse.
We can report abusers if they are still at large and we can speak out in appropriate ways.
We can make the world a better place with small steps and at our own pace.
We have to remember that the majority of the population have not suffered child abuse. A significant minority have but we need to carry that majority with us in order to have an effective voice.
Let’s not frighten people off by screaming at them – let’s instead engage them in important conversations where solutions can be discussed.
It’s important that we take time to get help for ourselves first before trying to save the rest of the world.
It’s like being on a plane when the oxygen masks fall… we need to first fit our own mask before we help others fit theirs.
…A survivor is strong because they have lived through something really awful.
…A survivor can be whole again because there are people who care.
…A survivor has stamina and determination because they have made it this far.
…A survivor is courageous because they are raising their voice against abusers.
…A survivor is compassionate because they know the importance of being loving.
…A survivor is unique because there is no-one in the world just like them.
…A survivor is free because they have fought for that freedom.
…A survivor is extraordinary because they’ve survived.
…A survivor can be anyone they want to be because they have options.
…A survivor can make a difference to the world because they have willpower and strength.
…A survivor can take back control of their lives because it’s their right
The National Association For People Abused in Childhood (NAPAC) © is a Registered Charity in England and Wales.
Registered Charity No. 1069802 | Company No. 3565696 | Registered Office: NAPAC, Arc House, - Canopi, 82 Tanner St, London SE1 3GN | © 2024 |
