Supporting recovery from childhood abuse.
If you are reading this, it may be because you are looking for answers, reassurance or a sense that you are not alone. At NAPAC, we understand that seeking support is no easy feat and we hope that these pages provide you with something helpful, wherever you are on your recovery journey.
Although NAPAC is here for all survivors of any type of childhood abuse, this booklet was specifically designed for those who identify as male.
The information included reflects what we have heard from tens of thousands of male survivors via our support service, and its aim is to provide you with support, solace and guidance.
1. You are not alone. We’re here for you when you’re ready to talk. You can call us on 0808 801 0331, or email support@napac.org.uk.
2. You are not the only one. At least 16% of UK men have experienced abuse in childhood, and more than a quarter of callers to NAPAC’s support service each year identify as male.
3. It wasn’t your fault. It did not happen because of anything you did or did not do. Abuse is never, under any circumstances, the child’s fault.
4. There is no hierarchy of abuse. Whether it was physical, sexual, emotional, ritual abuse or neglect, if it felt like abuse to you, then you have every right to call it that and to seek support.
5. How you feel is not who you are. Given time and support, you can recover, feel better and learn to live with what happened to you.
6. If you’re feeling panic or extreme anxiety, it can be managed. Head to page 17 for grounding tips and breathing techniques.
7. Stigma and stereotypes are not facts. On page 6 we address some of the common stigmas around male survivors.
Abuse is isolating. It brings with it shame and guilt. It compromises our view of ourselves and leads us to believe that what happened to us is somehow our fault, that it couldn’t have possibly happened to anyone else, and no one else will understand.
The truth is very different. At a conservative estimate there are over 3.3 million adult male survivors of childhood abuse in England and Wales alone.
There can also be a tendency amongst men to downplay childhood abuse where there was no physical element – if it was just words, does it qualify as abuse?
It absolutely does. In fact, after sexual abuse, emotional abuse is the most frequently disclosed type of abuse to NAPAC by men. Thousands of men have also disclosed physical abuse or neglect, with hundreds speaking about their experiences of organised or ritual abuse.
It is important to note that men also disclose being emotionally, physically and sexually abused by their mothers. The traditional perception of a mother being inherently protective of her children can sometimes make it difficult to disclose, but it is still abuse, and if you experienced it, you deserve to be supported.
This normalisation of violence in childhood can leave survivors
a) worried about continuing the cycle of violence with their own children and b) confused about their relationship with their own parent, particularly when they cannot or will not understand that
their actions were abusive.
These concerns are common, and the NAPAC support service is here to help you talk them through.
Men are also more likely to have experienced institutional abuse. Through years of insights from our support service, we understand that there is a cycle whereby a child is abused at home, which manifests itself in ‘bad’ behaviour at school, and the child is then sent to another institution such as a boarding school, approved school or borstal.
We know that at such institutions the child is then more likely to witness or experience additional abuse, particularly in cases of boys’ boarding schools.
It is fundamentally unfair that a system designed to protect and educate can treat children this way, and we often hear from survivors who feel confused, betrayed, angry, guilty and abandoned.
Regardless of the type of abuse you have experienced, or what you may be feeling, it was not your fault, and we are here to support you in your recovery, however that may look.
Part of the recovery process involves identifying and understanding the different forms of stigma that surround male survivors of abuse. Sometime these stigmas come from other people, and sometimes they become internalised and we turn them against ourselves.
We use the term stigma because it refers to a negative belief or feeling – not a fact.
Below we’ve outlined some of the common stigmas that male survivors may encounter and why they are untrue.
‘My body responded so I am to blame’
You are not to blame. The human body naturally reacts to stimulation; it is an involuntary response. You did not choose to be abused; you had it done to you. You are not to blame for how your body responded to an act that was forced upon you.
‘He was abused so he’s a danger to kids’
The majority of survivors do not go on to harm children.
In fact, they are often their fiercest protectors. Framing a survivor as a threat completely diverts accountability from the people who have actually abused children.
You have control over your own actions. The fact that you were abused does not make you a threat to others.
We hear regularly from men who are triggered when their own children reach the age they were when they were abused. This trigger may cause a trauma response or flashback which can feel incredibly overwhelming – it does not make you a danger to children.
‘I was raped by another man and I’m gay because of what happened to me’
Your sexual identity comes from within you, and it is your own. It is understandable that sexual abuse may cause confusion, but it does not automatically define your sexual identity.
You are in control of that determination, and you are allowed to explore your sexuality without feeling the shame that can be brought on by abuse.
‘Real men don’t get abused and I won’t be believed’
You were a child when this happened to you, and all children are vulnerable. You would not blame a boy for being abused now, so please try to apply that same understanding to your own situation.
Nobody is immune to the possibility of experiencing abuse and it is not a reflection of a person’s strength or weakness.
You will be believed. NAPAC starts from a place of belief, a practice which we are working hard to instill across the healthcare and justice sectors too.
‘My mates think I was lucky because it was with an attractive older woman’
This statement is reflective of a harmful and untrue attitude that boys should be grateful for sexual attention from attractive older women.
Regardless of the gender or perceived attractiveness of the perpetrator, if you were underage, and what happened to you felt like abuse, then you have every right to call it that and to seek support.
Abuse cannot happen without betrayal, manipulation and the misuse of power, so it is natural that there are a wide range of emotional responses to it.
It may take years before you connect the way you are feeling with the abuse you experienced, and even when you do, your emotions may not make sense to you. This is completely normal; everyone reacts to trauma in different ways.
One of the emotions that is often experienced by male survivors is an overwhelming sense of anger.
Anger is a perfectly valid response to childhood abuse, but it can become amplified when you do not allow yourself room to express other emotions.
Historically there have been societal pressures on men not to be seen as ‘sad’ or ‘weak’ because these have been perceived as feminine qualities. In some cases, these pressures have resulted in men feeling that the only emotion they are ‘allowed’ to express is anger.
This can be harmful to yourself and others. But if you can find a way to open up about the other emotions you are feeling, you can engage in techniques that focus on regulating emotion in a healthy way.
Another common theme amongst male survivors is feeling disappointed in themselves as they believe they ‘should be over it by now’.
This self-blame is typical of abuse, but it is misplaced. The blame and the guilt are the responsibility of the perpetrator. Abuse has life-long ramifications and recovery is not a linear process; there is no set pace or route that you must take. Recovery is about doing things in your own time, and on your own terms.
Shame is a word repeatedly used by male survivors to describe how they are feeling. Shame is defined as a ‘feeling of distress, caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour.’
Shame is a by-product of the grooming process which makes the survivor feel like they chose to participate in the abuse. But as a child you could not consent, and it was not a conscious choice. Like blame and guilt, shame is the responsibility of the perpetrator.
Though it may seem obvious that abuse causes pain, it regularly goes unacknowledged. Men particularly can struggle to identify that the huge emotional weight they feel is pain. The pain of injustice, the pain of betrayal, the pain of grieving a lost childhood, even the physical pain caused by the health conditions that survivors of abuse are more susceptible to.
There is no denying that pain is persistent and can feel all-encompassing, but if we acknowledge it, we can confront and treat it. This may be via medication, mindfulness, therapy or lifestyle changes, and it may take some time, but it can be managed so that you can move forward with your life.
Abuse can affect how we relate to others. Many men describe finding it hard to trust partners, friends or colleagues, even when those people have done nothing wrong.
Others find that their relationships are negatively impacted because their partners or loved ones can only see the maladaptive coping mechanisms, such as drinking or using drugs, but not the trauma that can lead to this.
Intimacy can also feel complicated. For some, closeness with a partner can bring up memories of abuse or leave them feeling unsafe. If loved ones cannot understand this, survivors often blame themselves for not being able to engage intimately.
These experiences are common and nothing to be ashamed of. They do not mean you are broken or incapable of having strong, healthy relationships. Many survivors have found that, with support, it is possible to build trust again, set healthy boundaries, and enjoy closeness and intimacy without fear.
Support can help you explore these challenges at your own pace and find safe ways to create and maintain the relationships that matter to you.
Coping mechanisms are behaviours that we all use to manage stress, regulate emotion and deal with difficult situations. However, while they can provide relief in the short term, some of these mechanisms can become dangerous and damaging over the long term.
At NAPAC we do not judge how anyone copes, providing they are not harming others. We offer the following observations because these are prevalent themes amongst men who contact our support service.
If you are struggling with any of the above issues, you can call and talk to NAPAC’s support service, and we can signpost to other organisations that will be able to support with information on healthy coping mechanisms.
MIND offers useful short term coping strategies that can help you get through the next few minutes or hours, whilst CALM explains different coping styles and suggests 14 long term strategies that you may find useful.
Thousands of male survivors have told us that the emotions connected to abuse can feel overwhelming and hard to make sense of. In addition to the above information on emotions and coping, these feelings can show up as severe anxiety or panic attacks.
Understanding what is happening in your body can help reduce the fear that comes with them, and we will address them in the following section.
If you’re in immediate danger or worried you may harm yourself or someone else right now:
Need to talk now (24/7 listening):
Urgent medical or mental-health advice (not 999):
If a child is currently at risk of harm:
What NAPAC can and can’t do
Over half of all male NAPAC service users report experiencing anxiety. Anxiety is the feeling of being worried, tense or alert. It can show up as constant unease, difficulty sleeping, racing thoughts or feeling on edge.
Panic is different. Panic is when the body’s alarm system switches on suddenly and powerfully. It can bring a pounding heart, shaking, breathlessness or the feeling that something terrible is about to happen. Panic often comes quickly and can feel overwhelming, but it usually passes within minutes.
Both anxiety and panic can be triggered by reminders of past abuse. A trigger is anything that causes the body to react as if the abuse is happening again. It might be a smell, a sound, a place or even a certain expression on someone’s face. Here we have used the example of a smell.
A man is in a shopping centre and he accepts a free tester for an aftershave/cologne.
It is the scent worn by his abuser. The smell reminds the brain of the abuse. Thinking it is in immediate danger, the brain activates the stress response.
When the brain senses danger, it signals the body to release powerful stress chemicals that flood the system and prepare you to fight, flee or freeze.
The body does what it is designed to do and reacts to the chemicals, causing symptoms such as heart palpitations, muscle tension, shaking, tingling, shortness of breath, dizziness and nausea.
This is your body’s in-built alarm system behaving as it should, and whilst these symptoms are frightening, they are not harmful.
Cortisol (a stress chemical) increases the brain’s fear response, which leads to an overall feeling of impending doom or death, the sense that you are ‘going crazy’ and in some cases, dissociation or derealisation.
These feelings will peak and pass. Most panic attacks will last between five and 30 minutes.
Before we look at specific techniques for managing panic attacks it is vital to remember that while incredibly unpleasant and frightening, they are not dangerous, and they usually pass on their own.
The feelings can seem overwhelming, but there are ways to manage them.
When we live with anxiety, we can become hyper-alert to the signals our body sends us, noticing small changes in our heartbeat or breath.
Panic attacks often intensify because we are misinterpreting these changes and believing something is seriously wrong, i.e. ‘my heart is beating faster than usual, I am having a heart attack.’
You can break this cycle of misinterpretation with gentle self-reassurance, i.e. ‘I am experiencing a panic attack. It is not dangerous. If I stick to my coping routine it will subside, and I will be fine.’
It may seem basic, but a learned breathing exercise is one of the most powerful ways to control a panic attack and restore a sense of calm.
The 4-7-8 technique is popular amongst those who experience anxiety or panic attacks. Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds and exhale gently for 8 seconds. Keep repeating this for as long as necessary.
Clenching and unclenching your fists, holding ice, splashing your face with cold water and noting five things you can see around you are all methods for bringing yourself back to the present, instead of allowing your brain to continue along that ‘what if’ cycle.
Telling someone you trust what you are experiencing and trying out different techniques can also be helpful, especially if you are at the beginning of your journey in managing panic symptoms.
It can be hard to talk yourself to safety in the middle of a panic, particularly while you are still learning what works for you. Having someone else understand what is happening means they can support you when it feels most overwhelming.
There is no one size fits all approach to recovery from childhood abuse and no definitive ‘right’ way to do it. It is rarely a linear process, and for most people it takes years.
Over those years your needs will probably change. The type of support you wanted when you first disclosed is likely to be different to what you require if you are triggered unexpectedly a decade later.
It can be useful to build up a network of trusted individuals, services and techniques, so that you have options and choice depending on where you are in your life.
There is nothing you have to do. Your recovery is under your control and what it looks like is up to you.
That being said, it is often difficult to know where to begin. So before interacting with any support services, the police or solicitors, we would suggest asking yourself some questions that may better prepare you for the process of disclosure.
We recognise that asking yourself these questions is difficult, and if you are in a state of crisis, it may not be possible. However, if you are able, we believe it will make a positive difference to your experience.
Though it is a hard and tiring process, disclosure is important because it may give you a different perspective on what happened to you, and how it is affecting you now.
Survivors disclosing to NAPAC regularly speak of a weight being lifted, feeling lighter and more positive as a result of sharing their experiences. Talking to a confidential service can give you the judgement-free, supportive space you may need to process what happened and move forward.
Recovery is not easy, but it is possible. In reading these words you have already taken a step in the right direction. Know that NAPAC is here for you at any point along the way. You can call or email our support service to talk about how you are feeling or access our survivor support resources via the website.
No matter how you may feel, you are not alone, and there is always hope for recovery.
You stay in control. You never have to give details you don’t want to. You decide the pace and can pause or stop at any time.
A calm, trauma-aware space. We’ll listen and believe you. If you’d like, we can explore coping options and next steps together.
Your information, your choice. We won’t pressure you for personal details. We’ll explain how your information is handled and your options.
Safeguarding. If we’re worried someone is at immediate risk (including a child), we’ll talk with you about what needs to happen to keep people safe.
Call our free, confidential support line:
0808 801 0331
We also offer support by email – support@napac.org.uk
