You are not alone

Booklet 4

Supporting recovery from childhood abuse

Nobody can be entirely sure how many have suffered childhood abuse… but we know it’s a much bigger problem than most people can bear to think.

Children are battered physically and emotionally every day in the UK. They are ignored, they are mistreated and they are sexually assaulted on a daily basis.

We used to wonder about figures such as ‘one in four’ or ‘one in five’ and we now have little doubt that there are millions of adult survivors in the UK.

So are you on your own? The answer is a resounding no!

You are one of many millions of people who have suffered.

Silence and secrecy are some of abusers’ favourite tools. Silence and secrecy enable them to continue abusing children without getting caught. It’s not at all uncommon for survivors to feel isolated and overwhelmed. Many survivors feel so alone that they continue to carry the secret of what happened to them for many years. One of the best ways to start tackling abuse is to break the secrecy and silence.

Trust

We know that abuse can make trust difficult, but please trust us when we tell you that you are not alone.

Everyone’s experiences are different and the ways we handle things are different… but in the UK millions of adults have been abused as children over the decades and many of them feel alone.

You are not alone.

There are people who understand the issues of childhood abuse and the vast impact that it can have when we become adults… it may just be a case of finding these people sometimes.

As well as those who have an understanding of what you have been through (and are currently going through) there are also those who may not. Fortunately the majority of adults in the UK were not abused as children – so they don’t have the same understanding as survivors. How could they?

There has been very little education about child abuse and its consequences. This needs to change.

Child abuse continues to be difficult to hear about. If somebody hasn’t experienced abuse then it must be very hard for them sometimes to believe what they are hearing. It’s the most secretive and covered up of crimes. It can also, for those who haven’t experienced it, seem like the most unbelievable of crimes.

It’s hard to believe why anyone would want to hurt a child! Some people don’t want to believe that children are abused because it can be too overwhelming for them and they may not necessarily know how to support you.

You may also be met by survivors who don’t want to remember what happened to them because it’s all too painful. It’s not that they don’t understand what you are going through… it’s more a case of them not being in the right place to support you at the moment. These survivors may distance themselves from you to protect their own emotions.

You are still not alone.

If the first person you tell doesn’t believe you then we hope you find the strength to tell someone else until you find someone that does.

We believe you. You are not alone!

You know your truth and we won’t disbelieve you. Truth is not something that is negotiable and sometimes it’s the only thing that will set you free. So keep speaking out.

You are not alone.

If we aren’t alone then why don’t more people talk about it?

Because it’s difficult
Because I feel embarrassed
Because I feel ashamed
Because I’m afraid
Because I might get so low that I won’t know how to pull myself out
Because I might get so angry that I’d do something I’ll regret
Because I want to still be me and not a victim
Because I don’t know what words to say – I don’t know where to start
Because my abuser is still alive and I couldn’t face having to go to court
Because I am too busy and don’t have time to sort it all out and get on with the rest of my commitments
Because it would upset my family, my children
Because I don’t want to be a burden
Because my partner would kill them
Because people have their own problems – they don’t want to hear mine
Because the last time I talked about it I wasn’t helped
Because there’s nothing they can do about it
Because it’s not a big deal – nothing much happened anyway
Because I’m trying to put it to the back of my mind
Because I’ve moved on and I don’t want to go back

Because I let it happen… I didn’t stop it
Because no-one will believe me
Because I’ll be labelled mentally ill
Because everyone else seems to have it all together and I don’t want to stand out as the one that’s in need
Because I don’t want to look like an attention seeker
Because I don’t want others to know my dirty secret
Because I don’t want people feeling sorry for me
Because people will think I’m unlovable
Because people will think I’m promiscuous
Because I don’t want to hurt anybody
Because I don’t want to think about it or remember the details
Because no-one will know what to say anyway
Because the perpetrator won’t be brought to justice, so what’s the point?
Because the facts in my head are a bit blurry so I don’t want to say things that aren’t 100% true
Because it’s overwhelming – there’s too much and if I start talking will I ever stop talking?
Because I don’t want my abuser to win by letting it affect my life now
Because I don’t want counselling… only weak people need counselling

These are only some of the reasons why survivors don’t speak out.

The reactions we sometimes get as survivors can prevent us wanting to speak out. We can be made to feel isolated.

Often when survivors decide to face what happened to them they find it helpful if they can talk to others.

Someone was once told that they lived in the past.

Their response was simply “no, the past lives in me”.

This is true to an extent – but we can move on and leave the past behind – and often it takes other survivors to help us and to enable us to do that and that’s what NAPAC is really all about.

Helping all survivors know that they are not alone.

And that healing is possible, if given the right support.

Everyone has needs.

Everyone has problems.

Counselling provides a safe environment for exploring difficult issues.

Counselling is for those who are strong enough to face their pasts head on.